draining's Diaryland Diary

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from The Diary of a Teenage Girl by Phoebe Gloeckner

I don't remember being born. I was a very ugly child. My appearance has not improved so I suppose it was a lucky break when he was attracted to my youthfulness...

In all matter-of-factuality, it happened like this:
One night, my mother's boyfriend , Monroe, let me drink some of his wine. We were sitting on the livng room couch. My mother and my sister Gretel had gone to sleep. I got drunk and he kept putting his arm around me. "Look at this silly little flannel nightgown," he said. I had on the nightgown Granny gave me at Christmas, with white and blue stripes. "It makes you look like a little girl. But you're fifteen now Jesus Christ I can't believe it it seems like just yesterday that I met you how old were you then? Eleven or twelve, right? Jesus Christ." He sort of rubbed my breast through my nightgown but I was so surprised by what he was doing that even though I half-felt it was rude and presumptuous of me to think he was doing this intentionally, I backed away because I didn't want him to feel how small my breasts were, even by accident. I felt I should dismiss the entire incident no matter how I interpreted it-- we were both drunk. And I also had this strangely calming feeling that even if he had touched my tits on purpose that it was probably all right because he's one of our best friends and he's a good guy and he knows how it goes and I don't.

A couple of nights later Mom decided she didn't want to go to a nightclub with Monroe (as she had planned) to see some singing cowboys. She said, "Why don't you take Minnie?"

He says, "Well, kid, whadya think? You want to go out on the town with me? Your mom's standing me up!"

''Well, okay...," I said, with little enthusiasm. Of course I had home work but so the fuck what. I wanted to go, so I did and of course I was served a drink or two because I am so mature-looking. And Monroe always seems to drink under such circumstances... He was feeling my tits but I kept interrupting him to stumble over to the ladies' room. He was saying, "Oh look you're giving me a hard-on oh look you're givingmeahardon." Then he put my hand down his pants but it didn't feel too hard to me. It had soft skin. I don't know what I expected but I guess flesh can never be realy hard, like Formica or wood, because it is, afteer all, flesh. I told him I wanted him to fuck me and he said areyoucrazyohgodlookyou'regivingmeahardon. I said I really mean it I really want you to fuck me. I was laughing and it seemed ridiculous. I didn't even know if I was serious but it was a funny game and I was totally drunk...

We got into his car and we were both very drunk and he looks at me and says, "I can't believe you want me to fuck you. Do you really want me to fuck you?" "None of your fucking business!" I laughed, and he said, "You really DO want me to fuck you, don't you? I can't believe it...You really fuckin' want me to fuckin' fuck you." I laughed again but I wasn't sure whether I wanted him or anyone else to fuck me but I as afraid to pass up the chance because I might never get another... we drove towards my house... I had that cold chill gripping my heart and my teeth started chattering like I was freezing or scared.

* * * * * *

I got so drunk another night that I almost drowned in the bathtub.

2:45 a.m. - 2006-04-20
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