draining's Diaryland Diary

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After Watching Capote, 2006

Her dead face was covered with gauze
under the coffin lid.
I thought she got shot in the back of the head--
I guess the bullet went all the way through her skull.
She had a pretty red dress on
below the gauze.

There are people out there, somewhere, if you can find them
who would rather lift up a coffin lid to write a good story
than to fit in, get married, have kids.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

They both involve blood
for the dead woman
and for mothers.
Women know all about blood--
it's our dirty secret.

I hate coffins
and I hate open casket funerals...
but who can resist
the curiosity, to look at a dead body?
So I do it anyway...
and I'm a Catholic, so there's no getting around it.

Flowers
remind me of funerals, too
and just the sight of a tanning bed gives me flashbacks
to all the "natural deaths," all the suicides, all the bad psychiatric care
like poisoning of the liver from meds.

I don't know if I'll ever get over this.
But I have to, to have the life I want.
I have a choice:
I can die with them
or go on living my life.

I'd like to fit in, get married, have kids.
But I'm too curious...
I know I would've opened
that coffin lid, too.

9:47 p.m. - 2006-03-26
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